Simple Meanderings

I don’t think there’s anything to work on anymore. Let me just say it that way. I just don’t feel it in me anymore.

Ah well, we’ll see what happens. And now I’m just thinking about all his stuff and how much time and effort it will be to move it all…

Outside world:

Just swallow me up and take me in. I need you. Now more than ever. I miss being around you enough to not lack you. Now take me back. Bring me into the woods and keep me; dead or alive. Thank you.

(Smoking a cig, in bed with the window open. Feeling fresh, cool, calm air enveloping self and spirit. Wish it were also enveloping entire mind.)

Great, now for 2 cigs in a row. Felt good about having fewer than usual today. Fuck that. Fuck men. (But obviously not literally because they’re too fucked up on drugs to be able to perform!!!)

Lies, lies more fucking lies. Fucking loser. With loser acquaintances. Glad it’s fun for you. You must like running welfare drug bums around! Fucking good for you. I hope it’s worth it. Where you gonna stay when I kick your ass out?? With drugged out bums and their kids??? Fucking wake up and see the fucking chance I am giving you! And for your kid!! You fucking dumbass moron.

God men suck. The END.

Sigh. I could have any number of things. It’s clear the cognitive behavioral therapy isn’t doing wonders. Is journaling? HA.

Disassociative seems close. BPD also. At the very least recurrent major depressive disorder.

But you know what? I’m trying. I’m fucking trying. And hard, too. Not so obvious.

Funny what recurrent and persistent disappointment and loss (almost always traumatic) will do to a person.

They don’t deserve a note, they don’t need a note; it’s obvious.

People don’t realize how close I am to doing it. I feel like its the only thing I can do just for me. Being here is just for others. I don’t care what else there is. I just want to sleep. Just let me sleep.

I just took a pill, we’ll see how that fucking works. Will it make my life better?!?!???? It’s ok, it’s just a little piece of hell!! That’s not gonna go away! You fucking morons.

And as I’m laying here thinking about this, you know who I feel bad for? Anne-Sophie. Because she would feel like she hadn’t done her job. And I’m starting to wonder why I go, because I don’t care about myself. Is that the message I needed I figure out?

You only need to wait six months. They tell you this when you decide to go with life insurance. It must be a policy for them to disclose that and make sure it is known. Interesting.

But I know it.

And I can think of lots and lots of reasons, particularly now, how something like that could be of benefit to others.

Not that in particular; I’m talking around things, like I do. Except with cows sometimes.

It’s always been how I fit into others’ pictures. And I don’t know how to change that. Everything swallows me up. I don’t have time to focus on me. The worst part? They openly disclose how they think my life *should be so much better - and that it’s all in my power to change it! So long as I follow their 6 simple steps! Because they must know me better than I know myself. Right? I am trying my best. I don’t know how I’m still functioning enough to work. I have no weight to lose. I’m sick. I eat junk because it’s cheap. I deal poorly with stress. My own anger drives me to want to injure myself just for the sake of doing it. But really, what can I change? I’m told it’s all perspective. Maybe they don’t have any idea what it’s like to feel cursed. That’s the easiest way to explain it….I must be cursed. But I’m not getting into details.

It is what it is!

And your 6 simple steps would make me less happy! I know that for a fact! I’m not looking for a lot and it doesn’t even take me that much to be happy. But it’s always out of reach somehow.